Dear new bride,

Disclaimer: Let me just start off by saying; I don’t know everything and some of what I am writing about is from personal experience and the wisdom of God. This is not a comprehensive list of things, there may be some things you feel I left out so if you’d like to chat in more detail, hit me up. So as usual, take it with a pinch of salt 😉

Dear new bride,

First of all, congratulations you are going to be amazing! But there are some things you need to know.

Start as you mean (and have the energy) to go on. Remembering back to the first month of marriage I’d wake up on a Saturday morning and clean the house from nook to cranny, cook up a storm and wait, full of pride, for my husband to come home. This was unsustainable for me (because of work, social life and general tiredness as a human being and not a robot) but I put pressure on myself to be the perfect homemaker. I didn’t ask my husband to help me during the week so it all just built up and we were both getting used to super wife coming to the rescue on a Saturday. So I say, find a system that works, talk to your husband and divvy up the house work. Clean as you go, lovingly remind your King to do the same if he’s a little…forgetful. For you it may not be housework it could be other things. Just make sure that whatever it is you do as a new bride, it’s sustainable and won’t leave you unnecessarily tired or resentful.

Leading me on to how important it is to communicate. Communicate your feelings, what you like or dislike, your joys and not-so joys. C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E. My husband and I are still working on this as we are both ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ kind of people, but my plan is to try and lead by example. Don’t force or nag your husband to talk about things because that’s just annoying, perhaps talk about how you feel then follow up with ‘what about you?’ He may not respond as you would have hoped to that but trust me, there will be times where because he knows you’ll listen, it will all come pouring out. There will be times where it doesn’t. Such is life.

As part of communication, make sure you maintain a healthy relationship with your own family as well as his. Set a good tone with your in-laws by calling/checking up on them once a week. I have made my own mistakes in this department because naturally I’m not a phone conversation/house visits type of person. I enjoy my own and my husband’s company enough and I’m becoming very busy with other things. But I must be transformed! So sometimes I set reminders on my phone to call my parents in law and try to visit my own family a few (not too much, mi nuh live deya no more!) times a month. I see my parents in law once a week but I’m setting myself a goal to try and do a midweek visit a couple of times a month too. I also check in on my sisters in law every now and again and I would say I have a nice relationship with them and my parents in law but it can always be better. Do the ground work now so that the rest of the journey is smoother.

Your marriage is your marriage. Do not ever never ever ever EVER compare what you have or don’t have with someone else. It will take away your joy and leave you very resentful of your husband and even yourself and you’ll ask questions like: am I not good enough? What’s wrong with him?

Know yourself and your husband, study him, study you. What makes us tick? How do we deal with disagreements. For example I’ve learnt that when my husband is upset he doesn’t want to speak. So I need to pray and chill out too so that when it is time to speak we both speak with wisdom and God ministers to both our hearts.

Celebrate growth! Wow, I am really a different person to who I was when our marriage first started and so is my King. We have both grown so much that I’m excited to see what happens next. I make sure I make a conscious effort to praise him for that change too.

Many things will require a conscious effort because you are now thinking for and about the two of you. Be forgiving to yourself, sometimes you’ll forget or not even think about things that you’ll beat yourself about because they should be ‘second nature.’ It takes time and guess what? You have a whole life time together! If you’re blessed enough to have an understanding husband who doesn’t mind teaching/correcting you, like I am 🙂 (even if it’s about the same thing over and over again, because I, I mean…people can be quite forgetful) then thank God. Forgive yourself and forgive him.

SEX. O, my! One of the many wonders of marriage. There is no shame, no guilt no nothing. Just you and your husband doing what God intended for ya’ll. A-MEN. Enjoy it, have fun with it. It’s okay for you to initiate, you have needs too, work on serving each other through this God given act. If you were a virgin, as I was, you can testify that at first it’s a little uncomfortable and a tad bit awkward but once you get your groove…sister…live your best life. It may not be everyday like in the films but be intentional about it because life happens and you could slip into a sexless routine but sister, like I said, get your life!

So all in all sister girl, you will make mistakes, you will grow, there will be ups and downs but rely on God, trust in Him for wisdom and you will be that wife that is a crown on her husband’s head, bringing him honour all the days of your life. By God’s grace you got this!