Why I’ve chosen a path of emotional unavailability

Scandalous right? When the thought to consciously pursue this came to me, I had to pray because I couldn’t imagine how a guy would take further interest if he was just getting a little bit above the bare minimum from me. But you know God, ever so wise, confirmed this thought not only through a book I was reading but a conference on relationships, sex and marriage that I attended. BRILLIANT! And to be honest so far so good. The bible also tells us to guard our hearts with all diligence (careful and persistence work or effort).

So what is a conscious choice of emotional unavailablity? Well for me it’s saving all your best (non-physical) bits for someone you are commited to. It is setting clear boundaries for your friendships with the opposite sex so that nobody gets hurt or confused. Emotional unavailability is the conscious effort to guard your heart and the heart of another (as much as we possibly can ofcourse). Emotional unavailabiltiy may also mean physical unavailability; not answering the phone past a certain time to members of the opposite sex (something I now do and have received many ‘lol okay”s for – but I digress),  not speaking for hours on end everyday and so on. This may seem extreme but for some of us more emotional types it is so necessary. I’ve digressed! Emotional unavailability means not giving out all the romantic love and attention I have to give and then when Mr God’s will does come, I’m running on empty because my heart is so scabbed up from all the healing its had to do in the time up to meeting him. Emotional availability is knowing that not everybody needs to have a piece of you. If John has a piece or Sarah has a piece, then Yemi has a piece or Sade has a piece and this keeps going for years, hello, what will be left? We all know someone who ‘loves hard’ and then ends up being bitter because they didn’t receieve what they thought they deserved. Maybe there’s a lesson in that?

Elizabeth, you are crazy how will I find a husband/wife if I’m emotionally unavailable?

Well, although it sounds ludicrous and counter-intuitive, it’s best for us to save the deepest part of our being for our partners to unravel each day. For your ways are in full view of the Lord and He examines all your paths (Proverbs 5:21) what I’m getting at with this verse is that God knows all the ways and thoughts of every living soul, if you want to know what someone is like before you commit to them, ask God. This may seem a little bit crazy to some people but I am a living testimony that if you ask God to show you someone’s true character or whether they are His will for you, in His own understated way (so you must pay attention) He will. I believe it is important for us to entrust our heart to God first and foremost and allow Him to guide it and guard it. There needs to be a commitment and a serious one, as in this is leading to marriage, we see that this is God’s will, type commitment before being emotionally bare with someone. Sharing hopes and dreams, latest revalations from God, deep pains, great joys, consistently with someone that you aren’t commited to on a serious level is dangerous territory for the heart. Imagine you and Marie/James are friends and you bare all to him/her everyday or often enough and then one day he/she brings her/his new boy/girlfriend to meet you…He/she is honestly not completely at fault, there should have been clear definition and boundaries. Knowing the deepest part of you is privileged territory for Mr/s God’s Will.

You may have noticed that I slipped the word ‘conscious’ in a few times, this was on purpose. The most popular type of emotional unavailability is generally not conscious and a result of years of pain or simply not knowing how to love or show affection. This type of unavailability looks like: showing enough emotion to get into a relationship but then closing off even the most shallow part of your heart once you’re ‘comfortable’, other signs are anger when this fact is mentioned, distance and an inability to express ones emotions in a healthy way other than as a reaction to protect oneself. Now I’m no relationship guru nor am I a psychologist, these are just some things I’ve noticed.

I just don’t want to be hurt again, I’m guarding my heart

Guarding one’s heart cannot be done with one’s own wisdom, we must surrender the ability to do this to God. We think we know how to guard our hearts but often time we don’t get it quite right. Hence why we may display some of the characteristics I have listed above. Guarding our hearts involves self-control (saying no to yourself even though you really want that handsome guy/beautiful girl to know how spiritual or ‘deep’ you are), prayer – for God to show us how to guard it properly, reading the word – in order to beef up the security around our hearts and so many more things.

In essence, this is not a lifestyle choice I am prescribing, I am simply sharing my experience. We don’t owe anybody any explanations for our decisions. We get emotionally intimate and think it’s okay because we aren’t touching. However as we consider sex before marriage as sex with someone else’s husband/wife, we should consider emotional intimacy (without a commitment) as keeping the heart of someone else’s husband or wife for ourselves. Imagine your partners heart still belonged to another? (Ouch). Emotional purity is just as important as physical purity, hence why I’ve chosen a path of unavailability.